Another Amazon Approach
by Tama Saga
Summary: Cologne has another plan to capture her son in law. It almost begins with an ordinary letter and a greedy panda. RanmaxShampoo.


_Shampoo and Ranma sitting in a tree, K-I-S-  
"Those who break Amazon heart go bad places!" *shove*  
"Waagh!" %Thud%  
*glomp* "Aiya! Ranma okay?!"_

Another Amazon Approach  
by MingShun

I do not own Naruto. Naruto belongs to...I mean, I don't own Naruto. Gaah! It's true, but I'm trying to say that I don't own Naru-Ranma. I don't own Ranma! Haha, Ranma belongs to the all powerful Rumiko Takahashi. In no way am I writing this fanfiction for profit.

**-o-o-(The tale begins)-o-o-**

Ranma looked at the innocent looking letter from above, from the side, from below, beneath a magnifying glass, and finally with his pops in between.

After teaching the panda the error of its ways, he opened the envelope and browsed through its contents.

"No way! The mummy writes like this?!" he shouted when he reached the end and saw who had wrote it. The clean simple pen strokes looked nothing like what he expected from an ancient fogey.

He paused and reread the letter.

"Cure?!"

Before a cat could meow, Ranma was already out the door and on his way to see Cologne.

**-o-o-(Soon after, at the Nekohanten)-o-o-**

"I'm here for the cure ya ghoul," Ranma bellowed into the room, the bell over the door chiming to announce another patron to the restaurant. It stopped chiming when the door shut behind him.

Cologne soon hopped out of the kitchen to confront him. "As expected of you Son-in-Law, however to just give away the cure would be pointless, don't you think?"

"What are ya sayin'?" Ranma demanded, as he glared at the ancient crone with a mixture of dismay, confusion, anger, and determination.

Cologne pulled out a piece of paper from out of nowhere. "Read what this says."

Ranma took it and stared at it for a long moment before he looked up. "It's in Chinese."

"Why yes, I'm glad you noticed," Cologne said with a large innocent smile.

Ranma shuddered at how creepy it looked. Gathering his willpower, he managed to say, "S-So?" before he not so subtly shut his eyes.

"That portion of the scroll is part of the explanation for the cure that you desire. Once you can read it, return to me and I will give you the other part," the old crone explained before adding, "I wish to see just how determined you are in finding this cure."

The pigtailed boy opened his eyes to look at the Amazon matriarch for a moment before he nodded and wordlessly left the restaurant with a determined look upon his face.

**-o-o-(Ten minutes later, on the rooftops overlooking the busy streets of Nerima)-o-o-**

Ranma finally stopped upon a long flat gray roof to turn around. "Alright four-eyes, you've followed me long enough."

Mousse stepped out from behind a giant golden fat buddha statue. Hiding the temple art-piece back in his sleeve, he pointed at the pigtailed boy and shouted, "Ranma Saotome! For your crimes against women I-"

Now standing beside the Chinese boy, Ranma promptly smacked his attacker upon the back of the head, causing the sometimes-duck to stumble forward. "Yeah yeah, what's this?" the pigtailed boy asked as he held something out for Mousse to look at.

Mousse stood up and adjusted his glasses before he peered closely at what was in Ranma's hand.

"I do believe that it's a half of a scroll with chinese writing on it," the longhaired boy finally concluded.

Ranma's face darkened. "I got that much duck boy, what's on it?" he demanded.

"Why do you wish to know?" Mousse asked with a conniving look on his face.

Of course he wasn't gonna tell Mousse that this was a cure for his curse. However, there was something else he could say, and he drew himself up to his full height as if he were going to announce something important, "I'll stop chasin' after Shampoo if you help."

"How stupid do you think I am? It's Shampoo that chases you," the blind boy said as he started to pull something from his sleeve. "That's why I have to end your life." The pen in his hand gleamed menacingly.

**-o-o-(Back at the Nekohanten, Twenty minutes later)-o-o-**

"Old Ghoul, gimme the other half!" Ranma shouted as he burst into the restaurant.

_***Clong!***_

The empty ceramic bowl slowly peeled itself from the pigtailed boy's face before it fell and clattered to the ground. Ranma remained there, his face sporting a rather large indent in the middle.

Cologne soon hopped out of the kitchen again. "Oh? Have you managed to read what was on the scroll already?"

Ranma shook his head rapidly to restore his face and clear the cobwebs from his mind. Raising the scroll fragment, he started to read from the sidebar. "1500 years ago, the ancien-" He had been suspicious when Mousse had begun translating without asking for anything. However, he wasn't about to ask what the bespectacled boy was hiding if this brought him one step closer to a cure.

***Bonk!***

"Gaah!" Ranma cried in pain. "You crazy mummy!"

***Bonk!***

"Dammit! Stop that!"

Cologne stared speculatively at the young martial artist before she nodded. "Perhaps I wasn't clear enough. I was not asking for you to find a translation, I was asking you to read it aloud to me. I suggest you start learning basic Chinese."

"Dammit you ghoul!" Ranma angrily spat as he charged forward and tensed up to throw a punch at the old woman.

The pigtailed boy soon found himself flying out of the Cat Cafe's door. He crashed against the window of a store on the opposite side of the street.

**-o-o-(Night Fell)-o-o-**

Ranma slowly slid a partially open window aside as he stealthily made his way into the Nekohanten. He quietly made his way to the storeroom to begin his search for the other half of the scroll.

**- Poke -**

"Hah?" Ranma dumbly said as he froze in place. Sh-Shimatta! He had been discovered!

"Son-in-Law, you try my patience," Cologne quietly said as she held the tip of her staff against his back.

Ranma swiveled around, knocking the staff away in the same motion. "Hand it over!" he ordered with a menacing tone of voice.

Cologne sighed before hopping away to put some distance between the two of them. "Very well, defeat me and you shall have the second half of the scroll."

"That's what I was waitin' ta hear ya mummy," Ranma said as a large grin formed on his face. He cracked his knuckles as he prepared to take down the obstacle keeping him from a cure. He couldn't lose, not when his dream was so close!

A minute later, Ranma found himself flying out of the Cat Cafe's front door again. He slowly descended to the ground. The instant his back touched the ground, he let out a yell when he suddenly found himself shooting into the sky. His cries slowly faded into the distance as he soared towards LEO.

"The Exploding Roach's Escape," Cologne calmly said from inside, referring to a demeaning Amazon technique designed to send unwanted intruders far far away without damaging the roof.

**-o-o-(The Next Day, at the Nekohanten)-o-o-**

"I demand a rematch!" Ranma shouted, entering the Cat Cafe near the end of its lunch hour.

"You lost your chance yesterday, Son-in-Law," Cologne said as she stood next to the doorway on her gnarled staff. She calmly took a sip of tea from the cup in her hands.

"What?!" Ranma shouted before he turned to the nearest patron. "Ya hear that?! The old lady is too chicken ta face me!"

"Go away," the unfortunate male teenager said irritably before he returned to his soup.

Not to be deterred, Ranma immediately ran to another table. "Can you believe i-"

"Leave us alone," the two average looking girls shouted.

Ranma stopped at another table. He didn't get a chance to say anything before a pair of chopsticks were thrown at him.

The bell over the front door rang.

"I back Great-Grandmother!" Shampoo announced as she entered the restaurant.

"Shan Pu, take care of your husband," Cologne promptly said.

"Aiyah! Ranma here to take Shampoo on a date?" the purple haired Amazon asked as she glomped onto the pigtailed boy and started trying to drag him outside.

Right in front of the restaurant, Ranma's struggles took on a wild edge. "Shampoo! Leggo!" he shouted.

"Why Ranma so mad?" Shampoo asked curiously.

"Can't you see that I'm busy tryin' to anger the Ghoul so that I could fight her for somethin'?"

"As I have said already, you lost. I will not fight you again over something so trivial." Cologne said as she appeared in the doorway.

A dark look appeared on the pigtailed boy's face. "You callin' the cure trivial?!" he demanded.

"Of course not son-in-law. But I have already established the terms, find someone that can read Chinese to teach you what that half of the scroll says before I hand over the other half."

Shampoo looked curiously at Ranma. "Ranma look for Chinese sifu?" the purple haired girl asked. "Shampoo will teach." she said without waiting for a reply. She said it with such uncharacteristic seriousness that the thought of protesting never occurred to the pigtailed boy.

In the background, a grin appeared on the old crone's face.

**-o-o-(An hour later)-o-o-**

Ranma and Shampoo were in her room poring over the document. Normally Shampoo would be really happy to have her Airen in her bedroom, however she was not in a playful mood right now.

"No no, Ranma wrong! That 'cure.' 'This 'curse!'" she heatedly shouted pointing to the character for 'curse'.

"I said 'cure!'" the pigtailed boy irritatedly shouted back.

"No, Ranma say 'curse!''" the purple haired girl argued.

"No I didn't!" Ranma defended.

"Ranma argue with Shampoo-sifu?!" Shampoo demanded angrily.

Ranma sat back and crossed his arms. "Yeah, I am. If you were a better teacher, I wouldn't be having these problems!"

"Shampoo explain well! Ranma just too too stupid!" Shampoo shouted, turning around and punching her mattress. "Stupid Ranma too stupid to learn Chinese, why Shampoo stupidly agree to teach?" she growled in frustration before picking the incomplete scroll from the floor and reading it over once again.

She turned to look at the sheet of paper in between the two of them. The one almost completely covered with chinese characters. Finding an empty spot, she rewrote the next line with nice precise strokes before jabbing a finger at the first character and shouting, "You! Listen..."

**-o-o-(Two days later)-o-o-**

"Old Ghoul," Ranma shouted as he entered the restaurant. "I'm not stoppin' for your creaky bones this time."

***Bonk!***

"Ow!" Ranma cried before he turned around to look into the corner where the attack came from.

"Yesterday was a bad day, whelp," Cologne slowly said as she seemed to detach herself from the shadowy spot where the walls joined together. Several students that witnessed this immediately resolved to finish playing Resident Evil because, all of a sudden, it didn't seem scary anymore.

"The vegetables had gone bad because Mr. Part-Timer had forgotten to store them away last night," the ancient one explained before giving Ranma an odd look. "You are a strange one son-in-law, many men would kill to have another day with Shan Pu."

"Feh," Ranma rudely replied before he pulled out the original scroll half and slammed it onto the table. He pointed at the first line. "Yi Qien Wu Bai Nien Qian..." (1)

After he finished reading the first line, he then pointed to the each successive line, recalling each of them from memory with a heavy accent and minor pronunciation errors.

Cologne had a pleased look on her face when he finished. "Very good. I had not expected you to memorize them so quickly. Here, this is the other half that you wanted." she said as she pulled the other half of the scroll from out of nowhere.

Ranma eagerly took it. And then they remained still and silent for a moment.

"Anything that you want Son-in-Law?" Cologne finally asked.

"Aren't you going to tell me what's on the scroll?" the pigtailed boy demanded.

"Of course not. You are doing such a fine job already, why should I interfere now?"

They both turned to the stairs when they heard someone moving upstairs. It came down.

Shampoo soon came out of the kitchen with a sleepy look on her face, dressed in her work clothes. She immediately perked up when she saw her beloved. "Ranma see Shampoo for date?" she asked as she latched onto his arm again.

"No way!" Ranma quickly said.

"Is too early then?" Shampoo asked curiously. She could stand to wait until night fell.

"No date! Not now, not ever!" Ranma hastily said.

"But you learn Chinese from Shampoo to return China and live with Shampoo!" the purple haired girl insisted.

"No, I learned Chinese because I wanted this cure!" Ranma shouted as, amazingly, he somehow broke free of the Amazon glomp without moving his hands. He ran for it.

His action caused Shampoo to give a cute yelp as she fell. From the floor, she stared curiously at her beloved's retreating back. "Cure?"

**-o-o-(Nerima)-o-o-**

Once he was an appreciable distance from the Nekohanten, Ranma found himself dodging as a bladed weapon nearly impaled him from behind.

Ranma turned to face his aggressor. "Mousse! What's botherin' ya man?"

"Ranma Saotome, you fiend! I knew you were hiding something from me," the angry Chinese boy shouted.

Ranma looked confused. "What?" He soon found out what Mousse was talking about when a fishhook snatched the scroll from his hand, "Hey!"

"Heh. Thanks Ranma." The near-blind boy shouted as he reeled in his catch.

"I don't think so!" Ranma shouted as he dashed forward and kicked Mousse in the head, sending the bespectacled boy flying in one direction and the fishing pole in the other. Ranma immediately leapt for the fishing pole.

Of course Mousse wasn't going to let Ranma take the goods and run.

Whoever predicted that the scroll half would be ripped into shreds in the ensuing fight...

...would be correct.

"Noooo!" Ranma cried as he hurriedly gathered the remains of the scroll while Mousse ran away to lick his wounds.

**-o-o-(That Night at the Tendo Home)-o-o-**

Ranma was sleeping quietly at a table in the living room when Shampoo found him.

She found the remains of the second half of the scroll sitting in front of him, painstakingly taped together. It still wasn't complete, since some of the pieces had flown off with the wind, never to be found again, but it was readable enough.

Sneaking around, Shampoo quickly found the first half of the scroll hidden in a corner of the guest room. Pulling it out, she left the room without waking the snoring panda up.

Once she returned to the living room, she collected the second half before holding one half above the other. She started to read the completed scroll.

Her eyes soon narrowed.

Picking up both scroll halves, she stowed them away on her person before turning to sneak out, only to turn back around and stare at her sleeping Airen for a moment. Hesitation quickly disappeared. Slowly creeping over to him and puckering her lips, she closed her eyes and slowly leaned forward.

***Bonk!***

A redfaced Shampoo picked herself up from where she had faceplanted the table. Grabbing her nose, She turned to look at her Airen who was now lying upon the floor as easily as he had been laying on the table moments earlier. She crawled over before closing her eyes and lowering her head to try once again to kiss him.

_-Smooch-_

Shampoo angrily left the house, vigorously wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. The tatami floor had tasted like aged moldy socks. Stupid Ranma for rolling out of way at the last moment.

Back in the Tendo living room, an uninjured Ranma slept upon a heavily cratered floor. It appears that Shampoo had tried several times to club him with a bonbori before she finally gave up.

Too unlucky! Once morning came, someone was going to walk in, see the damage, and assume that the pigtailed boy had been training in the living room.

**-o-o-(The Next Day)-o-o-**

"Ranma!"

The shout the sun caused the pigtailed boy to turn around. He immediately squinted. The bright sun was making it difficult to see who was flying toward him.

****WHAM****

Shampoo jumped off her bike and looked curiously down at his tire-imprinted face. Taking out a small jar, she opened it up and dipped her hand into the creamy reddish substance within before looking up and and eagerly asked, "Where?"

"Huh?" Ranma asked as he painfully pushed Shampoo's bike away and sat up.

Closing the jar, using her palm to screw the lid shut, Shampoo pulled out both scroll halves from out of nowhere with her free hand. The reddish gunk on her hand started to seep into the scroll. "Is cure!"

Ranma's mouth dropped. It quickly closed as an irritated expression appeared on his face. "It was you!" he accused. (2)

Shampoo blinked when she detected the unhappiness in his voice. She quickly held the jar out. "This what you looking for? Yes?" she said as she prepared to open it again. But it wasn't in her hands anymore.

Ranma rolled the jar around in his hands to examine it. He finally looked up. "How do you use it?"

Shampoo gave him a look of curiosity and confusion. "Is easy. Rub on and fix."

Ranma immediately grabbed the jar and disappeared saying "Never gonna be a girl again." He disappeared into the nearest bathhouse.

There was a splash, then a shriek.

Ranma came out seconds later, "Shampoo!" she screamed, beating off the groping hands on her way out. "What the hell didja just give me?"

"Is ancient chinese medicine," the other girl replied as confused as ever. Why wasn't her beloved happy and thanking her gratefully? "Cure bad spots on face."

"What?!" the redhead shouted. "That's not what's on the scroll!"

"Is too. Shampoo think strange, so ask great grandmother. Great grandmother say yes. If disagree, go ask honored elder."

"Fine, I'll do that," the redhead said, stomping away.

**-o-o-(At the Nekohanten)-o-o-**

"Oh, you're looking rather beautiful today son-in-law," Cologne cackled as she hopped away from the cash register.

"You promised me a cure!" Ranma shouted to the old crone's face.

Cologne nodded. "Yes, I did. Did you not find it to your liking?" she inquired.

"Does it look like it worked?" Ranma asked, pointing at her oversized chest.

Cologne nodded again. "Why yes. You rarely have skin blemishes. I can see why you did not notice a difference. However, I assure you that the soft, supple, glowing healthy look of your skin is a positive side effect of the cure." She paused for a moment to look her son-in-law up and down before saying, "It is strange how you chose to cover your entire body when the cream is normally used for the face. No harm done however."

Now the redhead was confused. "What?"

Cologne grinned. "Son-in-law, you have discovered one of the Chinese Amazon's most guarded secrets. To put it in terms that you will understand, a cure for zits."

The pigtailed girl's mouth dropped. "Y-You tricked me!" Ranma shouted.

"Of course not son-in-law, you just jumped to conclusions," the old woman sagely replied.

"..."

"Well if you really must have a cure," Cologne said, before she withdrew another scroll and ripped it in two. "How about reading this half to me."

Ranma immediately snatched away the portion that Cologne was holding out. "C'mon Shampoo," she growled as she made her way to the backroom where the stairs leading to the second floor were hidden.

* * *

**Omake! Ichi! **  
Suggested by Lord Rance

Happosai stopped running away to look in a random direction. He had thought he had seen something. It almost seemed like...glowing!

"Ranma-chan! You shouldn't have! Soft smooth skin just for me?" Happosai tearfully shouted as he dropped the bag of women's undergarments and dashed toward his unsuspecting targets.

_Warning: When using the ancient Amazon remedy for zits, prepare to beat off all super-perverts within several kilometers of your position._

* * *

(1) "Yi Qien Wu Bai Nien Qian..." - '1500 years ago' in Chinese.

(2) It had been a troubling morning. After waking up because everyone was hollering at him over the damage on the floor, Ranma soon discovered that his prize had disappeared. He immediately accused Akane of taking away his cure, the stupid tomboy struck him with the table. After waking up and pushing himself up, he went to Akane's room to find the scroll. The violent macho owner of the room walked in soon after.

Who says that it isn't possible to write a shortfic in Ranma anymore? Yes, there was a reason why I had to come up with this. I grow really tired of people badmouthing Shampoo.

Shampoo actually teaching Ranma something instead of hugging him and getting affectionate? Think about it. How often can she teach him something that he would wish to learn. I mean, why would Ranma wanna learn how to ride a bike? Or cook ramen? Or blow out takeout boxes? Or learn how to kiss better?

The two paper halves...okay, keep in mind that Japanese and Chinese write text downwards. That's why she arranged the two halves one on top of the other. Since English works by writing text toward the right, we'd have to place the two halves next to each other. Want a demonstration of what's going on? I'll slice this paragraph in half. 

Here's one half:  
_The two paper halves...okay, keep in mind that  
one on top of the other. Since English works b  
Want a demonstration of what's going on? I'll_

Here's the other half:  
_Japanese and Chinese write text downwards. That's why she arranged the two halves  
y writing text toward the right, we'd have to place the two halves next to each other.  
slice this paragraph in half._

If you read each half separately, they make little sense. But put them together...

**Acknowledgements**:

**Lord Rance** for character clarifications, creating an idea that lead to the ending, and the omake suggestion.

**Derekloffin** for reviewing. Without him, a question that had been bothering me would not have been resolved anytime soon. Originally, Shampoo would just pick up the scrolls and leave without ever bothering the sleeping Ranma. That wasn't quite right.

In addition, Derekloffin also pointed out in a separate PM that Cologne was being rather light-handed with Ranma's old ghoul comments in this story. I added the bowl, the corner sneak attack, and the chained bonk for the fun of it.

**Baron Hausenpheffer **for reviewing. Because of him, I dropped one of my projects for an hour to reread the chapter. A few minor fixes here and there, but I don't see anything major to clean up.

**The Empty Set** for his suggestion. I tried to modify the introduction line a little to match their relationship better.

**Ganheim** for his list of corrections:   
- Capitalizing first letter of all dialogue.   
- Changing the line with shimatta so that it doesn't look like 'shut up'.  
- Changing 'Ranma' to 'Ranma's' in "Ranma's struggles took on a wild(...)"  
- Changing Shampoo's 'penmanship' to 'nice precise strokes'  
- Added 'creamy reddish substance within' to the line where Shampoo dipped her hand into the jar.


End file.
